Thirty, flirty and thriving

stuff

I have always wanted to be older. I am the youngest of 3 and desperately wanted to be in my brother and sister’s gang. I hated playing by myself and would spend the Summer holidays asking my Mum when it was time to go back to school. I loved being around people and I loved the sense that a new year at school meant I was moving up in the world and one step closer to being a grown up. At that time being a grown up meant being in year 6 and ruling the roost but in later years it was my constant drive to be moving onto what was next. At secondary school, during a nasty patch of bullying, I remember telling my parents how ready I was to go to University. I was 13 at the time. I always felt mature for my age and I looked older too (I feel like I’ve been 5ft11 since I was 8) so I wanted to be with my equals who didn’t pick on me for not having a Jane Norman bag for my PE Kit or for preferring a night watching a musical at the theatre to underage drinking in the park.

I also had some complex stuff I was dealing with in my family life which conflicted the standard parent/child dynamics all whilst trying to sit my GCSE’s and then A-Levels. I definitely didn’t do as well as I could in school but my brain felt so full of other stuff that I didn’t have room for finding the value of ‘X’. There was a huge lack of support for my wellbeing not helped by the fact that I absolutely did not want to talk about it. When things settled on that side of things, I felt like I’d missed out on the time that is really important for a young person growing up and figuring out the world. I guess what it bottles down to is that I spent a lot of my teens feeling really fucking lost. I was so unsure of myself and didn’t know who I was, what I liked or where I was going. Looking back, it feels kind of sad that I spent so much time wishing away my younger years and not being present in my childhood and teens.

University was a time of real transformation. Moving from a small town bubble to a big city meant I had the chance to make friends with people from all over the UK (and beyond) and forge friendships from mutual interests and not because we’ve been forced into the same form group. I also got to study Drama and Creative Writing which I loved with other people who loved them too. I didn’t care that I didn’t know what I wanted to do after University, I was finally living my life and being an adult and I could eat pizza every night for dinner and my Mum couldn’t force me to finish my peas before I got down from the table. The confidence I gained at University meant that the day after my graduation, I travelled to Canada to spend a month with a friend I hadn’t seen since I was 9. This would have been unthinkable to the anxious child and paranoid teenager I was but University had really changed me. The world was my oyster.

Repressing a lot of stuff as a teen was always going to catch up with me and a large part of my twenties has been spent nurturing my inner child and younger self. I have definitely made a whole load of mistakes since graduating from University but I feel now that every decision I have made has lead me to the place I am today and I’m doing ok! Yes, I’ve had a lot un-fulfilling relationships with men but they have lead me to a blissfully happy in a relationship with a woman where I am able to voice my needs and truly believe that I deserve to have them met. Yes, I’ve worked myself to breaking point in the past but I now know the power of rest, boundaries and my own self-worth and care. I feel like I finally know who I am. I know what I like and I sort of know where I’m going. I think growing older is a privilege.

I am stepping into my thirties and it feels really good.

7 thoughts on “Thirty, flirty and thriving

  1. This is beautifully written Alice✨I can relate to you, especially at feeling lost. All my teenage and childhood years was spent trying to keep sane with all that was going on in my family life. At times I used to hate the fact that I didn’t have the “conventional” I so craved growing up but with al that I learned the value of growing up, relying on yourself and realising the world is not perfect.

    Again, beautifully written🧡 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for your comment Sharin and for sharing your experience too! It is funny how as a child you think that adulthood means that everything makes sense when in reality you often feel as lost as you did growing up. I definitely learnt the value of growing up and relying on myself from a young age too and I think it equipped me well for tackling things later on in life! x

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  3. I can relate to this so much, a huge chunk of my teenage years got lost, even a slice of my twenties is in a little bit of mess, but when I will be able to get out of this, I am gonna nurture the inner child and younger self 💗💗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for commenting! Yes, nurturing is so important at all stages of the process but definitely harder to do when you are in the thick of it. Sending you tons of love and self-care vibes x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I so relate with you! As someone newly in their 30s, I finally feel like I’ve become my own person. I spent most of my teens feeling lost, like I didn’t belong and desperate to grow up. I was constantly bullied for being the fat kid and it really impacted my confidence. Like you it was when I moved away from home that I finally became more confident. Still waiting on that fulfilling relationship though – but again I don’t feel alone or desperate for someone to love me – I’ve finally reached that place for self love that makes me comfortable to be on my own. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your comment! Being comfortable to be on your own is a HUGE thing. I am really happy to hear you have found that through self love. I definitely had to do the same before I was in the right place for a relationship (and a healthy one). Here’s to a fantastic 30’s for both of us!

      Liked by 1 person

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